Subject: Fathers-Ever present
From: "Fatherhood Foundation" <[email-masked]>
To: "Warwick Marsh" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 2003 07:20:09 +1000

Issue No. 56- 22nd September, 2003

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Welcome to fathersonline.org

Dads with Young Children

Grandads

Laughter

Single Dads

Special Feature

Media Release

News & Info

Dad's Prayer

Mission Statement & Help Us!

Welcome to fathersonline.org

Dear Warwick,

We are a musical family so when I heard the sound of acoustic guitar and voice in harmony coming from the room above our office, I was not surprised.  All members of the family have written songs solo, or in collaboration with other family members.  We have two CD’s comprised of music just from the Marshes.  In fact, music has played a big part in our lives over the last 13 years.

What did surprise me was a knock on the office door and the announcement by our daughter, the youngest of the family (10 years), that she had just written a song.  Our second eldest (20 years) had helped her work out a chordal arrangement to suit the melody.  The debut of this song was about to be heard as I looked up from my office desk with a smile of appreciation.  The song was melodic and heartfelt with a poppy, modern edge.  Of course, like any typical dad, I was as proud as punch.  My daughter had just performed a new song written entirely by herself and at her own volition.  I enclose the lyrics below for your perusal.

YOU GIVE ME LIFE

Pre verse:

I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you,

Verse one:

You give me life in every situation

You give me strength every time I need it (repeat)

Chorus:

You keep my heart from breakin’

You keep it from distress

You give me life, strength, power, every time I need it

You give me life

Verse two:

You give me life even though I never feel it

You keep me close, you’ll never let me go (repeat)

Bridge:

I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, (repeat)

©2003 Melodie Marsh

Two things really excited me about Melodie’s song.  Firstly, as her own expression of poetry and music, it was good.  I guess every dad is going to say that aren’t they?  The second wonderful thing for me about her song was that it was directed to her father in heaven.  Here was not only a song, but a prayer. “You keep my heart from breaking…You keep it from distress…You give me life strength power every time I need it…You give me life”.

As a family we go to church. As a family we pray.  Together we have weathered many storms in more ways than one.  But, here was an unsolicited, original expression of faith coming from the lips of a ten year old.

Going to church does not make you a Christian; any more than living in McDonalds will make you a hamburger.  Living in a garage will not turn you into a car.  Faith is born deep in the human heart as we awaken ourselves individually to the mystery of God’s love in Christ.  Every father hopes that his children will follow in his path.  If faith is not a living reality for me as a father, it will never become a reality for my children.  Legalism, religious ritual and just keeping to rules will produce death.  Life produces life.  As we fathers connect with our heavenly father, so our children will be attracted to the flow of life and love that comes through us.  This is my joy; I pray it will be yours.

Lovework

Love God, love your wife, love your children and everything else will work out.  Love is the most powerful force in the universe.  Without love we are nothing.

Yours for more love

Warwick Marsh

Fatherhood Foundation

____________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 27 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 22 years to 10 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

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Dads with Young Children

Babies That Talk

By Jason Emslie

Language is a wonderful thing.  Through the power of language one person can translate the most complex and nebulous of ideas into terms another can understand. Thus not only the understanding but also the realization of a new or different concept can be transposed from one mind to another.  It’s really a miraculous process.

Powerful and adaptable tool that it is, language is not the basis of communication, just a useful facilitator.  Communication is about taking what is in one person’s head, their ideas, state of mind and emotions, and making this clear to another person.  Unless you live alone in the depths of space, this is an indispensable necessity.

As the father of two beautiful babies, I have found that communication without words is quite possible. Indeed, this wordless communication is as emotionally enriching as any eloquent discussion I’ve had.

When a dog is happy, he wags his tail, everyone knows that. Communicating with your babies is similar - simple, natural and easy to learn. Patience and empathy are the keywords here. Right from birth, your baby is sending you signals. Babies are born with instinctive abilities to communicate their, needs for instance, “my face is all screwed up, Dad that light is too bright!”.  The most effective communication tool a baby is born with is their cry.  They let us know when they are hungry, cold, in pain or when everything is not quite ‘just right’.  I can see you new dads out there wincing at the mention of crying. Sleepless nights are no fun and your babies cry does get to you; it’s supposed to.  A new baby’s cry is perfectly tuned to grate on Mum's and Dad’s nerves and bring them running faster than any other sound.

After a few weeks, your baby will learn to smile, frown, maybe even laugh. She is beginning to discover ways to communicate her emotions, not just her needs, to you.  Be extravagant with your own facial expressions, matching them with your tone of voice.  When you talk to your baby this will help them learn.

My toddler found her voice at about seven months of age. She began mimicking sounds and by thirteen months she could put whole words into context for example, “COOKIE”, while pointing to the top of the fridge. Effective enough to get her needs met by a soft hearted dad, eh?  As I write this she is twenty months old.  She still communicates in much the same way, though her vocabulary and range of concepts has expanded exponentially.  Sometimes I even hear, “COOKIE NOW PLEASE!”

While communicating with your baby is rewarding, it is also very necessary. A baby is not a short term burden or responsibility like looking after a friend’s car.  A baby, your baby, is a thinking, feeling, intelligent and creative human being with whom you’re going to share the rest of your life.  Realizing this helps us to bond with our babies and enjoy their company, making our family lives richer.

So put them on your knee, talk to them and listen to what they have to say.  Open your heart, mind, eyes and ears and eventually they’ll get through to you.

______________________________________________________

Jason Emslie is 25 years old. He is the father of two beautiful little girls and a stepson, 13 years of age.  Jason does voluntary work for the Fatherhood Foundation and is a passionate father and family man.

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Grandads

The Backstops

By Ron Hellyer

The individualistic nature of man: proud, assertive, independent, capable, supportive, strong and loving.

Whilst there are many more characteristics and men are individuals, a common thread weaves through all Australian fathers – fathers who by choice become fathers and by accident became fathers.

This thread is RESPONSIBILITY.

Responsibility as:

A provider
Teacher
Lover
Advisor
Watchman
Encourager
Driver, motivator
Spiritual leader

Does every father accept these responsibilities? Many do, some do not, and some do not even know what they are and how to develop their responsibility skills.

Where do these skills come from?

In most cases, from our fathers and grandfathers, if not, from role models and societal expectations.

I learnt so much from my father, particularly in managing money. His father was an alcoholic who died in his early fifties, so Dad developed his responsibilities through experience and sharing with his mates.

Later,when he became a grandfather he continued his responsibilities in a new form.

I took over the direct responsibilities of fatherhood and he became the backstop.

He was someone I could bounce things off, ask his opinion, confer with and generally 'chew the fat'.

With my children, he became the ‘fun in life’ figure, playing games, telling jokes and stories, engendering memories in my children's lives, teaching skills and helping to reinforce my role as a father.

Grandfathers are so important to the responsibilities of fatherhood. They can support a struggling father and continue to inject life into a family at the same time. In a society failing to keep the family together, the role of Grandfathers (and grandmothers) is greatly downplayed.

If you retired or are reaching retirement and haven’t got a family nearby to support consider becoming an ‘adoptive grandfather’.

It’s not hard to find some young father struggling in life.

But there has to be a breakthrough in the mentality ‘I can do it myself’ to ‘I can do this with help’

Australian society needs the resurrection of the family. Grandfathers and all they can offer are a vital component of the future Fatherhood of Australia.

Read in News and Info Ingrid Poulson's account of her father who was killed in the frenzied attacks last week. She called him an inspirational grandfather.

________________________________________________________

Ron Hellyer has been married to Margaret for 24 years and is the  father of five children (plus extras). Ron is management consultant based in Broken Hill , Outback NSW.

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Laughter

English Lesson

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.  The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.  Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

- ceehiro

________________________________________________________

The Bill............

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital.  As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.  After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away.'

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?  I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something.'

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador.  As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom.  He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird.  The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.  The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead.'

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.  '$150!' she cried.
'$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!'

The vet shrugged.  'If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only
have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.......  What did you expect??'

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Single Dads

The Failure of Marriage - Part 2

© Neil Porter, 2003

Last week I suggested that, with the breakdown of the successful structure of marriage as an institution, neither the individuals, nor society as whole, can expect that the divided participants  can enjoy the same quality of life that they previously did. I am not, of course, referring to marriages in which all the money (and affection) went on grog, pokies, horses, bingo etc. I'm talking about the majority of marriages that split up just because the spouses are, generally speaking, 'finished' with one another. Continuing on .....

It is still a mystery, to the uneducated, as to how a father can still be paying maintenance after the wife has re-married and moved away to another town or state, but that's the law. In my own case, both happened. I wept aloud, late at night, for weeks after my children had to move several hundred kilometres away - I couldn't help it - it just happened every night. The maintenance kept rolling along, though. After more than eight years I finally remarried and, after three and a half months my new wife became pregnant. As a complete coincidence of timing, my ex-wife put in an application for a 150% rise in child support. I was devastated! My wife wanted to be a full-time mother and I was right there in agreement with her on that. When I went to a solicitor I became even more devastated. Try this for size:

'Are you telling me that, even though my ex-wife has been remarried for already more than six years, to a man who has always earned about 50% more salary than me, and she works full-time, and they have no new children other than mine, and they have been enjoying  a new, wonderful life together, that I'm not allowed to do that because I can't afford to if I pay all this new maintenance????' - 'Yep.' - 'You mean, I can't get remarried and have a new family and they can?' - 'They're your children.' It was really difficult to accept that, even after it's 'all over', you can still be connected to your ex-wife 'forever'! And that to her advantage and your disadvantage. Nevertheless, I thank God, that the appeal I put in was successful and I did not have to pay the extra maintenance. I was able to raise my second family, though continuing to pay the the original maintenance until the orders were completed (and longer, in fact, to help out my children for a while extra).

This following comment is not spelled h-a-r-s-h, but h-a-r-d or perhaps t-o-u-g-h .....

Single mothers - you just can't have the quality of life you had when you were married - the protective cover of marriage has been wrecked, dismantled. Sorry!

Single fathers - you (we ..... me.... I did it, too!) just can't have the quality of life you had when you were married - the protective cover of marriage has been wrecked, dismantled. Sorry!

But what about the children, it's not their fault? True - but you (we) should have thought about that before. But we did think about it! Just not hard enough, I guess.

Wow, how callous! No, certainly not. The real truth is that none of us have any rights whatsoever, just privileges. We are privileged to live in, arguably, the world's greatest country, Australia. Here, the electorates, via the ballot box, continue to demonstrate their kindness, generosity and charity, so allowing welfare systems that can support the children of single parents and many other kinds of needy. This is our nation's Christian heritage. The majority of other countries in the world are not so 'lucky'. I, for one, am most grateful for this.

That's the trouble with all this, friends. To use some Aussie vernacular, we've stuffed it, but we don't want to pay for the damage. Neither the father, nor the mother, nor the children can expect the same quality of life after their share in the institution of marriage has gone south. And the courts have no moral right to attempt to force anyone fix it up, including the tax-payer.

Where, then, do we go from here? No-fault divorce doesn't mean that we shouldn't accept responsibility for our actions and choices. Its just that it's harder than we thought to make it all work and be able to commence a new life, but it can be done. It's either responsibility inside the marriage or responsibility outside of the marriage, but responsibility nevertheless.

I am well aware that it 'takes two to tango'. One cooperative marital partner or ex-partner does not a successful agreement make. I believe the future will be different, though not necessarily any easier. If the current bi-partisan political support for investigation into changes doesn't get derailed, then fairer maintenance and access laws will be introduced. It's a hard thing to 'swallow', but perhaps these future new laws, fairer to both ex-spouses as well as to the children, may 'require' a different kind of cooperation from the ex-spouse parents than we have so far been used to seeing. An enforced one, with penalties for breach ..... for both partners in the agreement. The children need to be the winners.

There's a better way, though not necessarily any easier ..... Men, and I guess I'm now addressing those still married, or those who will be re-married one day, ..... women and children want their husband and father to be a hero. The best, most heroic thing you can ever do is to fight for your life against everything and anything that can come against your marriage. Work for it, cherish it, dust it and polish it often, with care. It'll take a lot of love, self-sacrifice, patience, endurance, unselfishness, ..... and prayer ..... but it's worth it. The alternative is much worse.

____________________________________________________

Neil Porter is a qualified teacher, computer consultant, professional musician, producer and writer who has 4 beautiful children.  He was a single dad for 8 years before he remarried in 1984.  Neil is passionate to encourage marriages and families.  Contact Neil at  [email-masked]

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Special Feature

Domestic Violence against Men

by Terry Dolling

Within the space of a few days two opposing perspective's on domestic violence were published in local papers. The Northern Star reported the findings of SCU law student, Jodie Leonard - men are victims in up to 34% of domestic violence (DV) cases. Jodie received second place in a global award for this research into victimology. This news was followed by an article in a local Byron Shire paper which informed us that one in five women are victims of DM. It implied that men were the sole perpetrators. Nothing could be further form the truth.

During research towards my second national satellite TV broadcast on adult male suicide prevention, I have found that reports on male victims of DV have been systematically silenced for a very long time. I was also shocked to find out from Jodie Leonard, that shootings, character assassinations and bomb, death and career threats have been experienced by some prominent American researchers and South Australian social workers for discussing female to male violence.

I personally think that it is pointless and divisive to fix a blanket rate of male versus female DV. Throughout the research on DV the figures vary considerably, depending on the location, target issue, and the gender bias inherent in the research methodology. What is significant, is that our culture has swallowed the 'men are pathologically violent' message, without critical analysis of the dissenting research, and has conformed to a politically driven hysteria that will never help to end DV.

The demonising of men in popular culture impacts us all. It is time to stop and rethink; time to ditch the ideology of gender separation and support gender reconciliation. Adult men are killing themselves at the rate of five per day in Australia. This is another fact that has remained under reported for over a decade despite the constant outcry of people that care about men. Research indicates that 70% of these men are committing suicide following family separation - the main impact being enforced separation from the children they love. This is no myth, but has been acknowledged by national experts on suicidality.

The suicide rate will be greatly reduced by the recently tabled bill to change family law. This bill is aimed at establishing a rebuttable presumption of joint custody of children after separation. By supporting children's' rights of access to both parents (and grandparents), and by discouraging adversarial legal battles over custody, this is a win for millions of children across Australia.

At this moment, it is critical to expose bias representation of DV, because opponents of shared parenting use it to argue that men can not be trusted as fathers. This is also not supported by research. These opponents argue from a presumption of male pathological violence and assume that the worst behaviour of the most extreme individual is the norm. As Senator Len Harris states, 'The law should not be based upon the presumption of this pathology. The law should serve the vast bulk of fit and loving parents who simply want to be with their children. Where family violence occurs it is properly handled as a deviation from the norm'.

If this bill is not supported, we will face a culture in which fatherhood is politically relegated to history, the current epidemic of male suicide will continue to be institutionally driven, gender tensions will only escalate, and men will face child rearing with fear rather than joy.

The research data does not support the myth that domestic violence is gender specific. I am happy to circulate the reports. To the woman that support men in our community and seek equality, thank you - we need your voice.

_________________________________________________________

Terry Dolling lives in Byron Bay most of each week, fathering his nine year old son Caleb, and a few days a week in Brisbane. They are both keen surfers. Terry has a background in Multimedia, and Performing Arts and is completing a PhD with Southern Cross University. He now works as an instructional designer for Central and Southern Queensland Training Consortium, a Medical Education company.

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Media Release

MEDIA RELEASE

HON ANDREW EVANS OAM MLC

LEADER FAMILY FIRST PARTY

Family First is calling for an inquiry into the status of fatherhood and the availablity of services for fathers in crisis.

Andrew Evans MLC will move a motion for the parliamentary inquiry this coming Wednesday.

'Children are suffering in Australia because of father absence. And yet we live in a community that percieves fathers to be an optional extra. That must change'' said Mr Evans.

'An inquiry will look into the status of fathers in South Australia, what services exist for those fathers that are in crisis and what can be done to improve their status and provide extra support to them in times of need'.

Family First Party has been speaking with Child advocacy groups, such as the Joint Parenting Association and father support groups, such as the Shared Parenting Council, the Fatherhood Foundation, Dads in Distress, Lone Fathers Association and others.

'There is an outcry in the community for something to be done. We as a parliament have a responsibility to examine the status of fathers, and what can be done to help those who are in crisis', said Mr Evans.

'Currently the men's information centre receives $4,700 per year from the government, which is dismal. There are very few counselling or support services to help fathers who are going through separation. The minister herself admitted in a question I put to her last year, that there were no services available to support men and fathers who are experiencing family trauma. Yet 43% of the calls received by the men's information are from fathers going through separtion'

'I find it appalling when I hear that men are committing suicide at 5 times the rate of women and separated fathers are 6 times more likely to suicide than married men', said Mr Evans.

'What are we doing as a community to help them? I suggest very little and it's time that changed'.

___________________________________________________

This is an important motion and will be watched carefully in other states.

If you would like to support the motion the full list of State parliamentarians is available at http://www.parliament.sa.gov.au/members/mailmerge.shtm

Remember it is being put this Wednesday.

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News & Info

Father kills family members and himself.

Reconciliation was in progress but the tragedy ended in violence and death.

http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,7278963%255E421,00.html

How many fathers are on the edge? and just the right (or wrong) circumstances set off a wave a destruction.

Hold your babies tight, love them a little more, they deserve it.

This was the plea of Ingrid Poulson, the mother who lost her family in the frenzied attack above. The full story and her statement is available. It is gut wrenching.

In the same article it states that 27,000 AVO's were issued last year.This is a seriously staggering statistic.

http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,7309312%255E26462,00.html

Cost of marriage breakdowns.

There is a rash of news articles starting to appear on the three media environments. The following appeared last Wednesday 17th and is a good summary of the current situation.

http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,7291277%255E28217,00.html

________________________________________________________

Neil Porters article, Part 1 on Divorce last week  invoked a responsefrom readers.

Dear Neil,

I have read your first part in a series of article related  to the failure

of marriage.

I appreciate the focus that the Fatherhood Foundation gives to acknowledging the father's important role in the family and society.

Yet, in most of the content, I have seen little directed at the many fathers that experience forced separation from their children as a result of divorce and Family Court rulings. This appears to reinforce my experience that the church culture gives little acknowledgement or support to members that do not fit the ideal mould - that is, after divorce. Indeed, my wife left me while I was attending a Wollongong church and I felt that I was dumped by the fellowship - that is I received no more contact even when I rang fellowship leaders for help.

Mind you, I am not particularly making a claim about the Fatherhood

Foundation by saying this, but after reading many publications by various groups on fathering I cannot help notice, within your publication, the lackof a stated political commitment to the rights of fathers to raise their children and the rights of children to access their loving fathers. This statement is particularly needed at this time in Australia.

In this regard, I appreciated that you referred to the absurdity of Family Court rulings that force a father to pay for two lifestyles, when he is deprived of loving contact with his own children. But I feel that more attention needs to be given to keeping stereotypes of male deficiency out of the publication. I refer in particular to a small image placed in a paragraph of your article in which you spoke of physical and/or  sexual abuse.

Even a cursory examination of the research of domestic violence reveals that, contrary to the ideologically driven popular hysteria, men are not the sole perpetrators of domestic abuse, nor  women the victims - that is domestic abuse is not gender specific. This is a small image and therefore my comments may seem over stated, yet it is critical to expose bias representation of DV, because opponents of shared parenting use it to argue that men can not be trusted as fathers. This political mythology pushed by the domestic violence industry denigrates men in our culture and in turn destabilizes male / female relationships, and the family.

It will not be long before the fathering movement will confront this

falsified data on domestic violence more publicly with the dissenting

research. Yet it is a serious battle, with many lives at stake, - three men a day commit suicide following family separation - the main impact being enforced separation from the children they love. Many of these fase false allegations of domestic abuse as a legal weapon in the Family Court. Some of these suicidal men may read your article looking for hope - it is targeted at single dads!

By reinforcing the myth of male pathological violence this image sends the wrong message to these men and the public, in a publication that supports fatherhood in every other way.

Forgive me if I sound pedantic but where do you draw the line when so many are suffering.

I attach a related article that I published in a Byron Bay newspaper.

Sincerely

Terry Dolling

Terry's article is in Special Feature this week.

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Dad's Prayer

Dear God

Thank you that my children

see you in me,

Even though I am not really

a very good dad,

Even though I am quite often selfish,

Even though I am quite often

uncaring and unresponsive.

Thank you for the glimmer

of life that comes from heaven

May this glimmer of light grow in me

so that my house will be filled

with your light even on the

darkest night.

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Mission Statement & Help Us!

Mission Statement
The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families.

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving.  That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation.  Life is also about relationships.  That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation,

please mail your cheque or money order to:

Fatherhood Foundation

PO Box 440

WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520

AUSTRALIA

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